Day 3 Transformations

While I undergo my 40 day transformation, the exterior of the building I inhabit is also being transformed. Its hard to know exactly what is going on, besides some plumbing renovation. I don't read Chinese, so even if there is a notice around, I can't read it to know what is happening. I saw people gathered in the foyer of the apartments, but had no idea what they were discussing.  Here are a few pics to illustrate what renovation means here in HK. 

Beliefs about relationships

What are your beliefs about relationships in your life? How are you treated, and how should you be treated?

I chose some important relationships to explore here. Each one is a different flavour and with each person I have had different interactions recently and in the past. Each relationship has that history. Each is vibrant and alive...but one is more sober and makes me go inside. 

For each mandala-like shape I wrote to distill the thoughts that arose while I was making the images. With one person I want to be a friend for life. Left bottom corner: "I want to be treated like a friend, and to be friends, until the end". 

Middle bottom; "VIbranNt BriGht, EnErgEtic Love", and another, 

Pink right hand bottom: "heart of gold, hidden in the city, heart of gold, forbidden freedom, heart of gold, free to love". 

Right side top: "Grey penetrating eyes, flash of smile, and knowing glimpse of wisdom far beyond my reach".

Red Centre Top; "Rules all their own, respect or die, tensions within, tensions without, charm unyielding to rules of ordinary folk.

There is no real conclusion to this post. Its an exploration. I think its a bit to personal to go further, but its an example of how to explore visually how one feels in response to the question and what might come up in exploring it. Sometimes I use mandalas consciously and sometimes its just where I start in an image. I find the process of making a circle and adding colours very soothing and descriptive. Try it. 

spelunk \spi-LUHNGK\, verb: to explore caves, especially as a hobby.

At this juncture in my life it seems I am meant to explore something deep within myself. It is easy to flippantly turn a philosophical phrase, but to live philosophy requires an inner exploration that is about as messy, scary and unknown as exploring a cave or "spelunking". Not such poetic or romantic word, but it sounds like a rocky adventure. 

What is the journey or adventure? Oh no, the ancient 1974 sound track to "Journey to the Centre of the Earth" by Rick Wakeman, just popped into my head, thanks to my uncle's eclectic music taste... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKS_jCbJuWM (whole album if you dare).  I was exposed to some of the greats of the 1970's, a time of vast musical exploration after the original wave of hippydom. 

Anyhow onwards to this image. Its looking for depth; contrasts and shadows, mirror image, white and blacks, contrasting flatness, and the hint of grey with horizontal lines to the right. The positive and negative shapes, and the way a 3D shape seems to be formed by using a pattern of organic shapes. Balance and harmony. Messiness is ok!! There is also a small amount of text...how obvious - "full of heart", but its hard to achieve. A body full of love. Is that the "Embodiment of Love?" or is it just a drawing of hearts or organic shapes in a larger organic shape with black lines? Black on white. 

 I was trying to explore using hearts as a way to access mine - mining the hearts - spelunking the cavernous heart.  For many years I refused to use 'hearts' in art making, until the emoticon came into my life through Skype, I just couldn't help getting sucked in by them. So much for my snooty conceptual visual art education. The question remained about the hearts in the body, and what did this signify for me, what was it compelling me to explore?

How can I be a; living unconditional loving being? First it seems there needs to be self regard, and something as close to unconditional acceptance of one's self, in the conditioned state..in the messy state, the 'filled with crap' kind of state, as well as the aspirant for 'material or spiritual or emotional perfection state' and all states between. Acceptance. Could this be the key to love? Self Love and Love of Self! And love of others including the creator/s? Is this even first? Or does it matter when it becomes important? What else could come before this stage? An understanding of a universal power? Or the concept of perfection, the aspiration for it? The greed or desire for it, and a hankering with a strategy to achieve it? These are big questions...like big popcorn buckets at the movies...that never seem to get finished. But there are clues in art therapy to answering or getting a step closer to understanding them. 

When I am engaged in the art therapy process as either a companion (therapist) or companioned (client), I experience glimpses of unconditional respect/regard. I receive it as a client and I offer it as a therapist. Its a practice to offer, it takes years of yearning to 'be there' for others, and it requires patience, nerve, acceptance - there is that word - deliberate sensing or intuition, theory, playfulness, creativity. mindfulness and empathy. As a client it requires trust, faith, risk, abandon, openness to opportunities to let go, and facing grief and loss at the bottom (or top) of a heart. According to Taraka, these qualities and requisites, are all paralleled in the spiritual path, the risks and challenges and fears and opportunities - all of which I have applied to different intensities along my lifespan. And it all seems to go back to the same question for me, about the quest for loving unconditionally, and how does it happen, is it possible? Who can do it? Can it be felt, and when will I experience it again? To be continued. 

Day 2 Transformation

The immediate effect of yoga asanas in my life are being felt. Even at a simple start of 20 minutes per day! My legs are starting to get stronger and my head less foggy, even after two days! Amazing! Something else is happening too. The small added effort on focus has meant I have a more control over my life. Goals and targets are very helpful to me and make me feel like there is progress day to day. Being in action, rather than being acted upon. FB wastes a lot of time :) too...that is something I understood from my FB fast. {It is also a good way of communicating with others, so not all bad}

To create more possibility for improved health, (and radiance!) I have followed the suggestion of a friend from India: offering water to the sun each morning. The concept is that I can get energy from the light that passes through the water as it cascades from the pot which is illuminated by the sun. I have felt a difference from this already. Increase in mental energy is definitely felt. You know the "Surya Namaskar" - the yoga posture sequence - these are meant to be an offering to the sun god. When an offering is made to Surya, (or the sun), he will bestow good health; likewise offering water to the sun blesses the practitioner with health and energy. 

Clear thoughts and good health can be an asset to mind and the practice of meditation and personal transformation. The thoughtful inquiry for tonight was a question about beliefs. The question I chose was, "what is your belief about your body?" The book suggests different possible beliefs one could have, but I decided to go for how I want to look after myself during the Transformation. How do you relate to your body? What is your belief, and how might that look if you were do to a drawing of your belief?

While I engaged in the process of making my image I was happy and positive. I wrote a haiku exploring the new learning. 

big bright white spaces

left kindness overlapping

up against the edge

Day 2 and I have a smile on my face! I have had tears as well, but I recover quickly. Looking within means finding plenty to purge. But purging doesn't have to last long. Look at it and let it go and get on with life. The smile is actually there because I am with a friend from Mainland China. Each night we draw after considering the meditation, or questions from Baron's book. My friend was laughing during our quiet time...and when I thought of her giggles, it was easy for me to have a smile on my face too. 

Day 1 Transformation

Forty Days to Personal Transformation by Baron BaptisteBaron Baptiste is a yoga teacher and has been practicing for a long time - both his parents were yoga instructors and had the first yoga school in San Francisco. His book gives insightful quotes and an ethos about personal transformation as he reflects on his own grabbing hold of his life and making change. A colleague from work lent me this book when I was telling her how I wanted to grab hold of my own life after the turbulence attending the move from Australia to Hong Kong, finishing my MA and getting a new job. Plus all the other things you can imagine shifting to a megatropolis from a big country town (Brisbane). The book is divided into weeks and helps build up a yoga practice from 20 minutes to 90 minutes over the 40 days. 

Today I began. And looking quite pleased with myself here, I felt like I was in action, rather than being acted upon.

 

 The image below is from yesterday, when I was contemplating what it was going to be like starting the yoga transformation. I felt pretty happy, like order may be restored in my chaotic life and strength, hope and courage would follow. 

Baron has a list of questions to ask oneself each day or so during each new week transformation plan. Today's question was: How much responsibility am I taking to learn and grow from the experiences, both easy and difficult, that I have in my life? The image above in blues, greens, purples, tinges of black, yellow, orange and red, is an image that came from contemplating that question. It represented the voices speaking to me that I need to ignore (negative self talk and other negative voices), my lack of grounding, a need to connect and feel solid, acceptance of the situation I find myself in and not worrying about the expectations of others. Values that emerged were; self acceptance, vulnerability, strength, hope, courage, determination and fun. 

The challenges I faced were being tired from a late night and needing resolve to start the 40 days, being tired and trying to practice a new yoga sequence, lack of physical flexibility and the trepidation that I might not make it. But it doesn't matter if I do or don't, I am doing my best each day to get insight and flexibility inside and out. Day one can be considered a success. 

River of Tears and White Face

The tears didn't flow from my eyes, but I could externalise them through the images. I could get some emotions flowing from my fingers through these characters. The colours, lines, textures and shapes all helped me ostracise the discomfort within. This was at the beginning of 2012, almost a year and a half ago. The feelings flowed and then transformed into something creative and colourful instead of stagnating inside...causing untold trouble for the body and mind. Images, music, movement and poetry all can help us have an emotionally transformative experience. 

Tonight I went to the opera. I couldn't really understand much of what the performer was singing, but it resonated. Those high notes and amazing range of sounds, the layers of emotion and expression of face and hands. I could understand she was singing about the feelings of humans: love, hate, fear, and death. So many experiences of the human condition. The pianist performed solo a couple of times, and I closed my eyes and pretended the music was representing nature, and I could see so clearly the birds, lambs, cows; I could hear the birds and imagine huge trees and a meandering stream. The music was very powerful to soften the thoughts and train them on the natural world. 

Like making visual art, music represents the lived and the inner world. It can touch my emotions and carry them to a distant place. There is poetry in sound without words, as there is poetry in images without words. I value the use of all the Arts in Experiential Creative Arts Therapy. It helps me to connect to the arts and connect myself to diverse parts within myself. It allows me to see more clearly a 3D view of my inner world of thinking and feeling and willing and make sense of it step by step with a richness less available than with one modality. The Arts can help me to be set free! 

Red Face and Grey and exploring TA

On Friday the clinical psychologist at work talked to me about transactional analysis. Ok, so its after Freud but I won't hold it against the process. Its about the parts of us that have been conditioned by our upbringing - parents, care givers, teachers, and our childhood responses to positive and negative experiences, and our current consciousness that mediates those internal dialogues and makes choices about how we react to things now. So there is a Child Ego, Adult Ego (us now) and Parent Ego. Sometimes we say something and go, "OMG that was my father talking!!" and we think to ourselves that we NEVER wanted to hear ourselves say such a thing, but we did it. We do have choices but its hard to work on our behaviours, awareness and responses. These transactions are taking place all the time and can be observed in the way we act at work with different types of people, or in relationships, communities and with mentors and everything else. So I am trying to learn something about this Transactional Analysis, because I am trying to face my own responses; emotional, rational and sometimes irrational, beliefs, and faith, and I am questioning how to move forward when faced with an abundance of 'quality' issues to wade through. 

Below are Red Face and Grey Face. Red Face is clearly not happy, however, above him is a quirky sun, who looks like he is not taking the big picture so seriously or possibly satirising Red Face. But Red Face cannot see the expression on the sun-like image's face. Child and Parent?.... And Grey Face is my teacher. This was the last image in the series, but its the only one I remember the order of. Quite sober, and fitting because he is a sober kind of person. The whole experience has been sobering, and sometimes I just wish for a bit of light hearted folly. "Balance" is the loud call from the Universe..."find balance Taraka". At least from a visual literacy point of view my work has a focal balance in colours, tones, and the placement of the imagery. I don't know about the content...if that is balanced or not...and certainly now I have a curiosity with Transactional Analysis, I will be looking inside to find out about my own responses to life being balanced or dictated by Child or Parent... or Adult. 

Red Face

Grey Face

Eyes, Kisses/Hearts and funny hats

The dominant feature that started and still continues since this time were the (often) single eyes that were appearing on each character. The hats and peaks of heads as seen below, have continued too. The sucking in or breathing out hearts was new and I still can't fathom what the hell that means or meant! But it doesn't matter because Frued is dead, and psychoanalytic is for psychoanalytics, not experiential creative art therapists OR artists like me! The main purpose for making these images was expelling feelings that were stuck inside me. And transforming those feelings into something creative. When I tried talking to people I loved, wanting someone to listen to me, I found they were mostly preoccupied with their own thoughts on the same topic and they were full of grief too, and did not have much capacity to listen. I couldn't really hear what anyone else had to say; I needed space for digesting my own emotions. When I realised that no one really could give me what I needed, I accepted it - in a light-hearted way, and did my little drawings. I went to see a counsellor at University, who was really nice, detached from my world and helped me do some rituals for getting through my pain. I told her about my drawings, but never showed them to her. I didn't feel I needed to. Talking was enough. I showed my little drawings to my friends, and I showed them to my mum.

 Kisses/Hearts

 The Man in the Hat 

Next Bird and Hair

The next series for the blog are more funky... mostly playful caricatures. This was not reflective on the state of my innermost heart...in all reality it seemed in opposition to my emotions and whenever I looked at the works I felt a sense of dis-equalibrium (something that is required for the learning process to work for the brain). I still to this day, do not know where they came from...although considering it in this moment - possibly shock. 

I don't know how honest to be to the world in these pages. How much detail to write about my life? I guess its going to be a trial and error experience for all of us. I did read a new friend's work today and was inspired by her fresh honesty so maybe I will feel out that trend. 

This life is a journey that seems to be constantly intersected and influenced positively and otherwise by other human beings making their life journeys. I don't know if I impact other people's lives as dramatically as I feel others impact on mine. I fear at times that the responses I have are disproportionate to the events or narrative as it plays out. I cannot control how I respond - (well to some degree I can at least try to adopt social norms) but on this occasion, I could only hurt and be sad, as these drawings were made after a relationship I had with a great teacher changed dramatically, and I was experiencing disappointment that I didn't really want to have to face. I guess that is denial...part of the grief process. The story went that a significant teacher over the last twenty years made some choices that seemed inconsistent with the way he had lived the rest of his life and the choices were a shock to me. I was not prepared for the change this brought about in my life and to various layers of my world that was already in a stage of transition and flux. I have over time found meaning connected to the life of my teacher, and my own responses to adapting to change. Its not over. Love is a strange thing and has multiple textures, surfaces, layers and levels. Grief seems to need to get in touch with all those multiplicities of layer and texture until its done its work within. It can feel like grief and the unconscious mind know the nerves of love better than I do with my conscious mind. I hope you find my two friends entertaining in opposition to how I was feeling!! Or maybe you can bring some light into my life about their existence in grief and loss! 

 Bird and cage.

 Blue and Red, and Hair. 

Heartist, 2nd and 3rd works on paper

On that same afternoon (December 2011) as the first two works came into being, I still had energy and a willing heart brimming with emotion to keep painting; almost some kind of painting trance that had not come to an end. I acted in submission to this energy and the next two paintings flowed. Meet, Greed and Fear. It took me a few weeks to work out how Greed ended up in this category, Fear, was not so difficult for me to add into the fold with Grief and Loss. 

I started painting on a scrap piece of paper for Greed. Just the shape of the ghoulish guy. You might be able to see a black line under his lower hand diagonally sloping to his feet. The dog racing next to him is on another piece of paper and they are loosely placed on a background. I think I still haven't glued them down...somehow I like it that I can move them around. Fear: I feel he is self explanatory. Although, he can be put any angle at all and still has a profound effect. 

It was natural to put Grief, Loss and Fear together, but Greed kept putting me off-guard. I couldn't figure out how he fitted into the foursome. Not only did he have a more foreboding sense to me, he just didn't seem to be fitting in. He was the only image with hands and an 'accomplice'. I was very curious to find out how and why he might be part of this first collection. 

When I returned to Australia a friend came to visit. She was someone I had met at University doing my Art Teaching training and we had reunited at a school where we worked together. When J came over, I showed her these four images. J was the one who illuminated a meaning or purpose to Greed. She had just gone through an extremely painful family experience. Something I was innocently unaware of until I showed her my images. She explained that, Greed is what we do if we keep hold of something that we are not meant to have or keep. When someone we love dies, we need to let them go so we can allow Grief and Loss to take place. (Its a couple of years ago, so J if you read this, please forgive my liberties!!) It was an 'aha' moment for me, (going through my own grief and loss) and one of sharing pain for my good friend. I also understood profoundly the term 'co-created meaning' through this experience. In the therapeutic world the Art Therapist considers the client as expert on their life and emotions and experiences (rather than in some models the 'head doctors' are the experts and they pathologize the clients). The therapist brings their world to the relationship as well. Sometimes, in a considered way, the therapist shares their world with the client as the client shares their world. What this sharing produces is new meanings for both client and therapist. J is my friend...I am not her therapist, nor is she mine...but our relationship is one of art and life. Her interpretations of life, and "Greed" were insightful and true to the reality of loss. We both took something more meaningful away into our lives from this artistic and real life discussion. Love you J. Love to you Grief, Loss and learning to let you go...Greed! Can I let you go too, Fear? 

 Greed

Fear

Heartist's First Works

The first two dramatic pieces that marked my entrance into being a 'heartist' were Grief and Loss. Sounds like two characters from a Shakespearean Tragedy. They almost look like them too. How did they come about? I was at a health retreat in South India, for the second time, and during the course of the massage treatment, maybe one week or ten days into it, I felt a great sadness during the massage, and tears formed in my eyes, but I couldn't understand why...there was nothing making me sad right then. Quite soon afterwards I experienced physical responses in my stomach, and asked the ladies to help me out because I was in pain. They gave me a hot compress on the area and I tried to relax. The discomfort persisted during the massage. When I got back to my room, I decided to try and use the experience as an access point for emotional pain that may have been stuck inside the organ. The previous time I had gone for treatment, a similar thing had happened, so I felt sure it was emotional pain that was stuck. I went to my paper and got out the paints and these are the paintings that came. I simply went to the heart zone and connected to the physical pain inside that while I made the paintings. The stomach discomfort had totally disappeared by the time I finished Loss. I was simultaneously shocked and pleasantly surprised at the appearance of my two new family members, Grief and Loss. 'Family members', I say, because I believe I had been carrying them around with me for quite a while or possibly they had been part of my life as a child. Good to get them out in the open, and introduce them to my friends. 

 Grief 

 Loss