Eyes, Kisses/Hearts and funny hats

The dominant feature that started and still continues since this time were the (often) single eyes that were appearing on each character. The hats and peaks of heads as seen below, have continued too. The sucking in or breathing out hearts was new and I still can't fathom what the hell that means or meant! But it doesn't matter because Frued is dead, and psychoanalytic is for psychoanalytics, not experiential creative art therapists OR artists like me! The main purpose for making these images was expelling feelings that were stuck inside me. And transforming those feelings into something creative. When I tried talking to people I loved, wanting someone to listen to me, I found they were mostly preoccupied with their own thoughts on the same topic and they were full of grief too, and did not have much capacity to listen. I couldn't really hear what anyone else had to say; I needed space for digesting my own emotions. When I realised that no one really could give me what I needed, I accepted it - in a light-hearted way, and did my little drawings. I went to see a counsellor at University, who was really nice, detached from my world and helped me do some rituals for getting through my pain. I told her about my drawings, but never showed them to her. I didn't feel I needed to. Talking was enough. I showed my little drawings to my friends, and I showed them to my mum.

 Kisses/Hearts

 The Man in the Hat 

Next Bird and Hair

The next series for the blog are more funky... mostly playful caricatures. This was not reflective on the state of my innermost heart...in all reality it seemed in opposition to my emotions and whenever I looked at the works I felt a sense of dis-equalibrium (something that is required for the learning process to work for the brain). I still to this day, do not know where they came from...although considering it in this moment - possibly shock. 

I don't know how honest to be to the world in these pages. How much detail to write about my life? I guess its going to be a trial and error experience for all of us. I did read a new friend's work today and was inspired by her fresh honesty so maybe I will feel out that trend. 

This life is a journey that seems to be constantly intersected and influenced positively and otherwise by other human beings making their life journeys. I don't know if I impact other people's lives as dramatically as I feel others impact on mine. I fear at times that the responses I have are disproportionate to the events or narrative as it plays out. I cannot control how I respond - (well to some degree I can at least try to adopt social norms) but on this occasion, I could only hurt and be sad, as these drawings were made after a relationship I had with a great teacher changed dramatically, and I was experiencing disappointment that I didn't really want to have to face. I guess that is denial...part of the grief process. The story went that a significant teacher over the last twenty years made some choices that seemed inconsistent with the way he had lived the rest of his life and the choices were a shock to me. I was not prepared for the change this brought about in my life and to various layers of my world that was already in a stage of transition and flux. I have over time found meaning connected to the life of my teacher, and my own responses to adapting to change. Its not over. Love is a strange thing and has multiple textures, surfaces, layers and levels. Grief seems to need to get in touch with all those multiplicities of layer and texture until its done its work within. It can feel like grief and the unconscious mind know the nerves of love better than I do with my conscious mind. I hope you find my two friends entertaining in opposition to how I was feeling!! Or maybe you can bring some light into my life about their existence in grief and loss! 

 Bird and cage.

 Blue and Red, and Hair. 

Heartist, 2nd and 3rd works on paper

On that same afternoon (December 2011) as the first two works came into being, I still had energy and a willing heart brimming with emotion to keep painting; almost some kind of painting trance that had not come to an end. I acted in submission to this energy and the next two paintings flowed. Meet, Greed and Fear. It took me a few weeks to work out how Greed ended up in this category, Fear, was not so difficult for me to add into the fold with Grief and Loss. 

I started painting on a scrap piece of paper for Greed. Just the shape of the ghoulish guy. You might be able to see a black line under his lower hand diagonally sloping to his feet. The dog racing next to him is on another piece of paper and they are loosely placed on a background. I think I still haven't glued them down...somehow I like it that I can move them around. Fear: I feel he is self explanatory. Although, he can be put any angle at all and still has a profound effect. 

It was natural to put Grief, Loss and Fear together, but Greed kept putting me off-guard. I couldn't figure out how he fitted into the foursome. Not only did he have a more foreboding sense to me, he just didn't seem to be fitting in. He was the only image with hands and an 'accomplice'. I was very curious to find out how and why he might be part of this first collection. 

When I returned to Australia a friend came to visit. She was someone I had met at University doing my Art Teaching training and we had reunited at a school where we worked together. When J came over, I showed her these four images. J was the one who illuminated a meaning or purpose to Greed. She had just gone through an extremely painful family experience. Something I was innocently unaware of until I showed her my images. She explained that, Greed is what we do if we keep hold of something that we are not meant to have or keep. When someone we love dies, we need to let them go so we can allow Grief and Loss to take place. (Its a couple of years ago, so J if you read this, please forgive my liberties!!) It was an 'aha' moment for me, (going through my own grief and loss) and one of sharing pain for my good friend. I also understood profoundly the term 'co-created meaning' through this experience. In the therapeutic world the Art Therapist considers the client as expert on their life and emotions and experiences (rather than in some models the 'head doctors' are the experts and they pathologize the clients). The therapist brings their world to the relationship as well. Sometimes, in a considered way, the therapist shares their world with the client as the client shares their world. What this sharing produces is new meanings for both client and therapist. J is my friend...I am not her therapist, nor is she mine...but our relationship is one of art and life. Her interpretations of life, and "Greed" were insightful and true to the reality of loss. We both took something more meaningful away into our lives from this artistic and real life discussion. Love you J. Love to you Grief, Loss and learning to let you go...Greed! Can I let you go too, Fear? 

 Greed

Fear

Heartist's First Works

The first two dramatic pieces that marked my entrance into being a 'heartist' were Grief and Loss. Sounds like two characters from a Shakespearean Tragedy. They almost look like them too. How did they come about? I was at a health retreat in South India, for the second time, and during the course of the massage treatment, maybe one week or ten days into it, I felt a great sadness during the massage, and tears formed in my eyes, but I couldn't understand why...there was nothing making me sad right then. Quite soon afterwards I experienced physical responses in my stomach, and asked the ladies to help me out because I was in pain. They gave me a hot compress on the area and I tried to relax. The discomfort persisted during the massage. When I got back to my room, I decided to try and use the experience as an access point for emotional pain that may have been stuck inside the organ. The previous time I had gone for treatment, a similar thing had happened, so I felt sure it was emotional pain that was stuck. I went to my paper and got out the paints and these are the paintings that came. I simply went to the heart zone and connected to the physical pain inside that while I made the paintings. The stomach discomfort had totally disappeared by the time I finished Loss. I was simultaneously shocked and pleasantly surprised at the appearance of my two new family members, Grief and Loss. 'Family members', I say, because I believe I had been carrying them around with me for quite a while or possibly they had been part of my life as a child. Good to get them out in the open, and introduce them to my friends. 

 Grief 

 Loss